pronoia: Obligatory Reflective Post

I've been trying to sit down and write a year's-end post, but I've been stymied by all the usual things: time and the space to really sit down and think.

Today R came over, and he and Ms. P are cooking up a pork roast and colcannon and greens, and we're going to eat off of our good china and drink champagne (and sparkling apple cider, depending on my sinuses) and continue to watch movies and hang out. And this -- more than anything -- is how we wanted to begin 2009.

I don't know what I expected from 2008, but this wasn't it. I'm not complaining -- I'm unimaginably grateful for this year and everything it has been. But I'm not sure I could have anticipated any of these things:

The Enneagram retreat I went on in February, which kick-started the next phase of my spiritual journey.
Changing jobs to one in which I feel valued and appreciated and which I match. I mean, I wear jeans all the time, I get praise for my editing, I get to write and learn, and I can actually see a future there.
Starting the adoption process, which finally made everything real. We can see the end of the home study process, and soon we'll just be waiting. But finally, finally, it's real.
Starting spiritual direction, which is challenging me to really show up and attend to myself, my needs, and my dreams.
The sabbatical, which is bearing fruit all over the place and becoming my new normal. "When they say, We should get together, say, Why?"
On Saturday, my 35th birthday, I got a tattoo of the root chakra on my lower back, to ground me and to help me inhabit my time and my resources more authentically.

Through all of this, and of course through my marriage and my close relationships, I feel like I'm coming into my own, finally, that I'm becoming myself. I'm watching my habitual scarcity thinking drop away, being replaced by an expanding sense of gratitude and abundance.

There was grief, sure. There are struggles still around many things. I'm figuring out how to negotiate old friendships that provide connection but sustenance no longer. We continue to work on saving money, joyful and productive housekeeping, making space for our creative selves. But none of this -- none of it -- dimishes or overshadows my profound feelings of blessing and gratitude and possibility. It's really a first for me.

May 2009 bless us and keep us, every one.